Smile For Today

[elkguide]

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.


The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break,
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.


The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.


The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'


The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.


Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'



The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

 

[NDGuy]

Green Bay Packers fan walks into his bedroom with a goat under his arm and says, "This is the pig I'm fu%$%&% when you have a headache."

His wife says, "That's a goat you moron!"

The guy responds, "I was talking to the goat"

 

[NDGuy]

A husband comes home one day to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you are going?" he says.

"I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a BJ there and I figured that I might as well earn some money for what I do to you for free." she replies.

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you are going?" the wife asks.

"I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!"

 

[2ski]

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbonzo bean?



I've never had a garbonzo bean on my face.......

 

[elkguide]

A couple of days ago, I told you how Bubba got the job as a greeter at Walmart.

Here's how his first day went.......


Bubba showed up early and helped the young man bringing in the carts from the parking lot and when it was time to open, Bubba took his place by the front door. With a big smile and his loud voice, he was very good at saying, "Welcome to Walmart."

After about an hour of greeting people and helping several little, old ladies with their shopping carts, he noticed a woman coming across the parking lot. He noticed her because she was yelling at her two children and seeming to be totally out of control.

As she got to the front door, Bubba quickly greeted her with his "Welcome to Walmart" and then he asked, "how old are your twins?"

The woman glared at him and said, "What kind of a fool are you? Anyone can see that the boy is two years older than the girl! What in the world would make you think that they were twins?"

Bubba replied, "Well, after watching you drag those kids across the parking lot and listening to you yell at them,
there isn't any way that anyone would have ever slept with you twice, so they have to be twins."


The Walmart manager said that he didn't think that Bubba was really cut out for the job after all.