Check on your friends and family-see about their emotional and physical well being-don't be afraid to be nosey to see how they are REALLY doing.

[philos]

Brief backstory-I met a New Yorker at a local fly fishing shop few years back. Good guy and we hit it off as we had similar interests in the outdoor pursuits. We became fast friends and hunted and fished together on several occasions. He eventually moves back to NY to help with the family business but we keep in touch when we can. I've been up there to fish and bird hunt and he has been back down here a few times.

Fast forward to a few days ago -I called my buddie on his 39th birthday to wish him well and we chat for a bit and discussed a visit up there or down here. 2 days later I get a call from his brother telling me my friend is in ICU and it is not looking good. Needles to say I am shocked. His brother promised to keep me aware of changes/progression by text message. Thankfully my friend improves enough to get out of ICU but still has lots of issues. I get bits and pieces of information as his brother sends groups texts but I wanted to talk to him one on one to get the scoop.

I waited a few days for the dust to settle and reached out to my friend's brother. So the gist of it is this...my friend will survive but will never walk again. 39 years old. I am heartbroken for him. This guy is a good fly fisherman and a good wing shot and better friend and now he is wheel chair bound. All this because of an addiction.

I don't know in hindsight what if anything I could have done but I can't help but bear a bit of guilt as I did not reach out as often as I should have. Would it have made a difference? Who knows but I wish I could turn back time and been a better friend and stayed in contact a bit closer. I wish I would have had deeper conversations and looked for signs but I had no idea there was an issue.

Be a good friend or family member and stay it touch with those you care about. Don't just say I'll call or visit them later-do it sooner. Make sure to listen to what they are telling you...not just what they are saying.

 

[Justin Crossley]

Sorry to hear about your friend and that's a good reminder.

 

[Legend]

Sorry to hear about your friend.

This is a great reminder. I lost a great friend to chronic neck pain, which led to mental health breakdown, and ultimately he took his life to end the pain. If only I would have spent more time listening.....really listening.

 

[alexanderg23]

How did an addiction put him in a wheelchair?

 

[Soj51hopeful]

Hindsight is always 20/20. You are beating yourself up too much. An addiction is not something you can easily detect or help with from a distance. Bummer for your buddy but realistically what could you have done? Not saying do nothing, just don’t bear too much burden.

 

[*zap*]

There is a massive amount of alcohol/drug abuse in this country...it is the main reason that most of our major cities are third world status. What a shame to see this country go down this way but there is no stopping it now.....

 

[Customweld]

Ironically today marks the 13th year since my best friend committed suicide. We were best friends from grade school until we were 36. I was never aware of his depression, I didn’t know what to look for at the time. Looking back, I missed every sign . Guilt is a terrible thing and we always wonder if we could have changed the outcome. I’m very sorry for your friend and hope you can find some peace.

 

[GSPHUNTER]

Very sorry to hear about your friend. Good friends are hard to come by, that is the reason I keep my handful of friends, as close as I can, be it just frequent phone calls or text/emails. Most of my friends have moved to different parts of the state, in some case out of state. I have always been the driving force when it comes to setting up hunting or fishing trips and to this day it is me who contacts the guys and try to set up a get away. In most cases we can work out a trip which fits everyones schedules. Like OP, I have a friend who I just found out about three weeks ago has an addiction that he has been hiding from his friends for many years. It has been very hard on his health and is now in rehab/detox. He is one of the guys who was only ever able to get away about twice a year due to family issues, he was able to hide he addiction from us when we were together. All his kids are useless and terrible parents which has put him in a position of now raising his third family because he has taken legal custody of his second set of grandkids at the age of 71. Actually with him in rehab it is his wife who is raising the grandkids. Sorry for going off on a tangent, but OP's post set me off.

 

[Rob5589]

Even being close to someone doesn't mean you know what they are experiencing. All you can do is be a good friend and offer up that friendship in the most open way you can. Sorry to hear about your pal.

 

[Marbles]

There are limits to what any of us can do for someone else. Perhaps you could have made a difference, but it is also possible you would have just gotten a better view of the tragedy. There is no way to know, all you can do is decide what you do from here.

There is a fine are to being persistent and making a positive difference and being annoying and pushing someone away. There is also a fine line between helping or enabling on one end and helping or cutting someone down on the other. Where that balance is will depend on many factors and can change with time.

I have been part of enough pain, whether my own, that of someone I love, or that of strangers who happen to be my patient to know I don't have the answers. Sometimes we are appointed to help, and sometimes we are just not the ones to be granted that privilege. In the end, all we can really do is recognize our own inadequacy, and offer ourselves anyway. It is up to the other person to accept that offering and if having it rejected will hurt you, you probably are not in the place you need to be to really help them.

 

[Blowdowner]

Even being close to someone doesn't mean you know what they are experiencing. All you can do is be a good friend and offer up that friendship in the most open way you can. Sorry to hear about your pal.

Ya you could have perked him up for a few days but unless you were going to hit the Oregon trail together and never come back, the poisons we create are always nearby.

 

[Werty]

Happiness is a choice! Unfortunately not everyone can make it happen.

 

[Yoder]

You sound like a good man. Like someone who really cares about people. Don't be too hard on yourself. People go out of their way to hide addiction. I was able to hide my drinking from my own wife. He may be in a wheelchair but he can still turn his life around, it will just be a lot different.

 

[philos]

How did an addiction put him in a wheelchair

Since you asked...

The whole thing is a bit strange but here are the details I was provided. I have to believe there is more to the story but I don't really need to know any more details. I just need to come to terms with it and reach out to my buddy when I can and be as supportive as I can be

Alcohol was the culprit here. According to his brother The Dr.s stated his alcohol consumption has impacted his organs and even impacted his bone marrow. His brother told me the Dr. also stated he had a problem with his body assimilating/breaking down alcohol. He had surgery and the surgeon removed 2 vertebrae and repaired his spinal cord.

What I don't understand is how alcohol would do that kind of damage. I realize alcohol can be damaging to your liver and stomach but my friend had blood vessels rupture and was vomiting blood. I have to assume this was progressive damage done over time. Perhaps there were other events that exacerbated the issues over time. as well.

The information I received seems strange but the outcome is all I am focused on. I will reach out to my friend in a few days when I can verify he can talk-if he even wants to.

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

 

[GSPHUNTER]

Sounds like you are not getting all the information for what ever reason.

 

[philos]

Sounds like you are not getting all the information for what ever reason.

I believe you are correct but at this point I see no need to dig any further. I will get the details if my friend or his brother wish to provide at some point.

 

[540-Virginian]

I believe you are correct but at this point I see no need to dig any further. I will get the details if my friend or his brother wish to provide at some point.

Ran into this before with playing telephone over a loved ones reason they got hospitalized. I would say it happens to a lot of people to get very spotty details or conflicting facts and it all doesnt add up. I share thos to say, it can be hard to explain to multiple people ovwr and over exactly what a doctor said. So the people receiving end of the updates may just get a short story missing key medical information (sometimes the info is purposely withheld).

My true point is to not get weapped up around the why/how if your not imediate family. You may never know how somwthing happend until you finally hear it from the person. Focus on yourself too and handling the mental stree you may not be noticing as this is hard to hear a friend fall to something. And focus on supporying them however you can. Not saying you arent doing that at all! You sound like a solid friend in fact. But sharing all this for everyone reading wondering the why/how. Hope it helps. Sorry for typos - on my phone.

 

[Hardtak]

I feel for OP, grieve but don't beat on yourself. The bottom line is that your friend would have only gotten help if and when he was ready. Too much meddling, asking, trying to get him to change would have made him distance himself and likely made his addictions worse.

I speak from experience. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Kilboars]

Sad stories. Thanks for sharing.

We all have issues but nobody is responsible for your own happiness but you.

I’ve had a messed up life growing up and it continued through marriage. I can go to a real dark place that takes a long time to get back out of. Bottom line for us all is not to let yourself start down that path of dwelling on the past. Keep moving forward. You can’t change it. Take the good out of it and f#@k the rest.
Christ is my peace. Without him I don’t want to think where I’d be.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[GSPHUNTER]

I believe you are correct but at this point I see no need to dig any further. I will get the details if my friend or his brother wish to provide at some point.

I always go with the, they didn't offer, so I didn't ask approach.