Best kid one liners

[P Carter]

There was an adorable puff-headed baby sitting behind us at church today, making standard baby sounds. My 4-year-old slowly turns around, looks the baby squarely in the eye, and says in a low, mean voice: “Don’t you DARE laugh at me,” then slowly turns back around.

 

[Theringworm]

My wife was driving our 13 yr old daughter home this morning from a friend's house. The daughter was aggressively trying to get at a booger in her nose that was putting up a fight and causing her all kinds of grief. So much so that my wife asked what the heck was going on back there. Her response was, " I have a booger I can't get a hold of. It's so far back in there...... it's all the way up to my testicles!"!

She obviously didn't know what testicles were. And with 2 older sons and being 13 yoa I have no idea how she didn't.

 

[Mike Islander]

I took my very shy nephew to his first guitar lesson when he was 8 years old. My teacher is Eddie Bush (Sony label). He is a lot of fun, charismatic, understands kids, but he asks a lot of his students, even beginners.

He asked my nephew to "show me what you know how to play so we can figure out where you are". Brett locked up. Eddie told him it was no problem, but my nephew was upset with himself and started to tear up. I told him everything was fine and not to cry. He said "I'm not crying. I'm just so nervous my eyes are sweating."
We all busted out in crazy laughter. Brett was good after that.

 

[KenLee]

When my son was 15 he and I were hunting cow elk, we had snuck up on a small herd at about 200 yards. He took steady aim and proceeded to miss 4 times and his mag was empty. He turned and said "F@$k!!! I'm out of F@$kin bullets!!!! I'd never seen him miss or heard him cuss before that day. He reloaded and took a good cow before it was over.

Out of ammo with no game down is an excellent reason to cuss

 

[260madman]

We were out to eat when my daughter was 3yo and was eating mini corn dogs. We asked her how her supper was and she replied, “best damn corn dogs ever” and went back to eating like nothing happened. I have to admit, the food was good.

 

[vectordawg]

My son was around 3-4 when he said to my wife, "Mom, this video game is harder than putting on underwear when you're wet".

 

[FLATHEAD]

Visited Nanna's farm once after a good storm/possible tornado had come through.
Tractor shed was GONE, as in not there anymore.
My son, 5 or 6 at the time when he saw it was gone, looked at me and said "Where's my Da** barn?!!

 

[manitou1]

My wife, daughter, son and I were out for an evening drive in the country looking for deer. Son was about five at the time. I pulled over and jumped out to take a pee. A few minutes after grtting back into the vehicle and resuming our drive my son asked me to pull over so that he too could go pee. He got out and was peeing in the ditch and happened to turn his head to see us watching him.
At that moment he yelled: "Stop staring at my bagina!"
Twenty-seven years later and we still laugh about that... and we still have no idea where he heard that term ( at least a variation of it) at his age.

 

[FLATHEAD]

When my son was little he was kind of allergic to a lot of stuff, animals included.
He was playing with the dogs outside and came in and told us he had to come in
because the dog was giving him erections.
What he meant to say was reactions.

 

[MattB]

My wife, daughter, son and I were out for an evening drive in the country looking for deer. Son was about five at the time. I pulled over and jumped out to take a pee. A few minutes after grtting back into the vehicle and resuming our drive my son asked me to pull over so that he too could go pee. He got out and was peeing in the ditch and happened to turn his head to see us watching him.
At that moment he yelled: "Stop staring at my bagina!"
Twenty-seven years later and we still laugh about that... and we still have no idea where he heard that term ( at least a variation of it) at his age.

That reminds me of a friend, divorced mom and single parent, who had to have the birds and bees discussion with her son. Somehow the topic of the “F-word” came up, and her son said he knew all about it. When pressed, he said it wasn’t comfortable talking with her about “faginas”.

 

[ShakeDown]

When I was on parental leave, a month or so after the birth of my third daughter, I was in a fort in the basement with my then 4 year old and 3 year old telling “spooky“ stories. Holding a flashlight to her face in the dark my 3 year old said…

”The owl took the baby, and then he threw the baby into the water… and she got deeper, and the fish ate her. The end.”

Sibling jealousy much??

Best part is I have this whole thing on video.

 

[Sherman]

My 3 y/o son was playing in his room while I was watching an episode of Sunny in Philadelphia. A little while later I was folding laundry in my room when he came in and started jumping on the bed yelling “Merry Christmas, bitches.” Of all the things he heard on that episode, that was his takeaway.

 

[displacedtexan]

I'm a carpenter, but I also build engines, modify and engine swap vehicles... So my shop has a pretty extensive tool collection that fascinates my niece. Her dad is an accountant who owns all the tools an accountant needs.

At barely 4 she was looking at my tools and asking what they were when she told me "Josh has different tools." (She usually calls her dad by his first name, which I also find hilarious.)

A few months later she saw my 49 8n all disassembled to get a Chevy V6... "Why do you have a tractor? Your yard is small."

 

[CorbLand]

When my cousin was little he would always say “I am going to knock you up” instead of “knock you out.”

 

[ReddingArcher]

Not my kid but still hilarious, this past Halloween my wife took our daughter and a bunch of her friends to a haunted house. At one point some character came at them with a chainsaw, scaring one little girl into yelling “your mom should have wore a condom!”
We still crack up talking about that.

 

[Rob5589]

My wife was talking about an older woman she was taking care of when our 8 year old piped in and asked how old the lady was. My wife told him she was 86. Son's reply, "86?!" "How is she still alive?!" Ahh, youth

 

[hh76]

Couple I remember.

I found my good headlamp under my son's bed when he was about 5yr old. I asked him "why is my good light under your bed?" He replied "because that's where it's dark"


We bought a white board for my daughters when they were 5ish. My wife was explaining that they had to be careful with the markers. She said something like "these only work on this board". One of the girls grabbed a marker, put a big mark on the drapes and said "No, they work on the drapes, too"

 

[260madman]

This thread delivers.

 

[blackdog of vt]

My 6yo daughter loves the random question game. Like, how did the oysters get in the ocean, why is dressing a deer is actually undressing them, things like that. So, our topic was if earth didn't exist what planet would you live on. With a completely serious face her answer was "Maryland".

My son was 3 at the time when we had our daughter. When she came home, he didn't really know what to make of it. He looked at mom, the baby and looked pretty puzzled. We had the conversation about the baby in mom's tummy, but I asked him again "do you know where the baby came from"? He paused from his Thomas train for a second and said, "yes, the truck". I still lol about that.

 

[Dos Perros]

When my daughter was born my mom flew in to help us. She took my 3 y/o son to day care and picked him up. Next time I take him it's quite busy and he says "Daddy, look at all the f****** cars." Apparently my mom taught him some colorful language. I played dumb and pretended not to know that word. Have it on video.

Another one came to mind...the other day my now 8 y/o boy says "Daddy, I had a dream I was dancing with a poop emoji."